The #1 Mistake Women Make When Asking for What They Want

Dear Friends,

To get what we want in our lives, careers, and businesses, we obviously need to work for it and ask for it. But the #1 mistake I see women making is that while they are asking for what they want and putting in the effort, they do not internally open themselves up to receiving it!

I touched on this in a previous letter, but I see so many women (including myself from time to time) struggling with this that I felt it deserved more focused attention.

So many of us have spent most of our lives prioritizing others, denying ourselves and/or being denied our needs and wants. This can lead to receiving what we want and having our needs met to feel very foreign. It may invoke feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt. We may even sabotage and push away what we want without realizing that we are doing this.

This can keep stuck, but we have the power to change.

To elevate our lives, careers, businesses, and the world, we must be internally open to receiving the positive outcomes we are working towards.

Assuming that you are clear about what you need and want (if not, this may help), and the external environment is malleable (which I know can be a major barrier as well), here is what you need to do to identify your internal blocks and open yourself up to receiving:

1. You’ve got to believe that what you want is possible. If you don’t believe that it is a real possibility, then you won’t fully be open to receiving it even if it shows up. You may not even recognize it! Know that if you can imagine it and desire it, then it is possible to receive it. Connect with what it FEELS like to receive what you want. Will you feel appreciated? Happy? Safe? Valued? Calm? Excited? Supported? Nourished? Held? Really let yourself feel it in your body. The more you familiarize yourself with the feelings associated with having what you want and can imagine yourself receiving it, the easier it is for you to receive it once it knocks on your door. 

2. You’ve got to believe that you are worthy of receiving what you want. If you don’t believe that you are worthy of receiving what you want, then you’ll find a way to keep it out of reach. Remember that your worth is not defined by your work, your productivity, your career, your accomplishments, your social situation, your income, your status, your followers, your appearance, or anything external. Your worth is derived internally and by deeply connecting with your inner being. You are enough just as you are and you are worthy of having your needs met, feeling good, thriving, and receiving what you want. Remind yourself of this every single day!

3. You’ve got to have the space to receive what you want. This means you need to get really good at RELEASING whatever is occupying unnecessary mental, emotional, or physical space and and is not aligned with what you want. These could be old fear-based beliefs, negative habits, past patterns, expectations, goals, tasks, mental and physical clutter, and even people. For example, if you want to step into your power as an authentic leader, you need to release the belief that you have to be perfect all the time and give yourself the space to learn and grow. Or if you want to receive support, you need to release the beliefs that you have to do and know it all and that being supported is a sign of weakness. What are you holding on to that is not aligned with what you want? Free yourself and let it go.

4. You’ve got to have the ability to embrace and appreciate receiving what you want. You need to give yourself permission to have what you want and let yourself feel good about having it. This may involve healing and reprogramming your nervous system to develop the capacity to relax into receiving and having what you want, and not always be in striving and survival mode. After striving for so many years, getting what you want and settling into a feeling of peace around receiving it can feel so unfamiliar that it can provoke anxiety and make you push it away or want to jump to the next goal right away. Imagining and feeling yourself having what you want and feeling at ease about it as I described before and having a consistent meditation and breathing practice can be really helpful (start with 10 minutes of meditation and three deep breaths per day).

Here is an exercise that can help you further identify any internal blocks you may have:

Quiet your mind and ask yourself: “If [what you really want] showed up today, would I be open to receiving it?” 

Listen deeply. If you don’t hear yourself responding with an enthusiastic “YES!” then this is your invitation to get curious. If you notice hesitation or even hear a “No”, ask yourself why.

It could be that you actually want something different but were not aware of it. Remember, it is not just about asking for what you think you should want, it is about asking for what you want and what is aligned with who you are and who you want to be. 

This could also be a sign that you still have some limiting beliefs and internal blocks to receiving. Get curious and have a conversation and negotiation with yourself until you feel yourself getting to a “YES!”. I find that journaling and seeing the conversation on paper really helps me gain clarity. 

Ultimately, allowing yourself to receive and say “YES!” to what you want requires courage. Courage to dream, to feel worthy, to release the past, to release the guilt, to be open, and to have the courage to step into the next phase of your life.

I hope you find the courage to say “YES!” to yourself and allow yourself to receive more love, joy, health, abundance, support, and success.

Happy receiving!

Maliheh

P.S. I loved talking about how we can ask for more of what we want in my podcast with the wonderful Alexandra Carter, world-renowned negotiator and author of “Ask for More”. If you need a little more inspiration and guidance, feel free to listen to our conversation here.

Six Essential Practices for Sustained Energy, Resilience, and Inspired productivity

Dear Friends,

I always try to be real with you and the truth is, it has been a very painful couple weeks on my end. 

Yesterday marked the 40th day since Mahsa Amini’s death. While the movement in Iran and all the global solidarity has been incredibly inspiring, the daily news has also been horrific, utterly heartbreaking, and very difficult to process, especially as an Iranian-American.

And I know I’m not alone. Many Iranians in the diaspora are going through collective trauma, struggling to remain functional, and feeling guilty for having any ease and joy while so many people are suffering and dying back in Iran.

At the same time, my clients deserve that I show up for them and their businesses as my best self. I need to be fully present with them intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to stay sharp and focused as they rely on me to help them see their blindspots, think through their challenges, and strategize for their growth.

Thankfully, despite everything that has been going on, I’ve been managing to not only show up for my clients and my work, but be sharper than ever and even outperform my usual self! And no, I haven’t been just “pushing through” and avoiding the news or how I’m feeling, in fact, the opposite.

So I thought for today’s letter, I take some time to reflect on what has been helping me and share in case it may inspire you to start incorporating these practices that I believe are essential for long-term resilience, energy, and inspired productivity.

Here we go… 

1. I let myself feel my emotions and practice self-compassion. I try my best not to identify with the emotions, but I do acknowledge them (e.g. instead of “I am sad/angry/frustrated/anxious”, I tell myself, “I am feeling sad/angry/frustrated/anxious”). I give myself permission to FEEL and ride the waves. No matter how painful it feels, I know it will pass if I embrace it and feel it. But if I resist it, it will follow me like a cloud and start to weigh me down. Journaling about what I’m experiencing also helps me feel heard and validated. I literally give myself pep talks and talk to myself like I would to a child I adore. I know it sounds silly, but it is very comforting and this practice is backed by research.

2. I allow external support. I’ve been taking time to talk and share what is coming up for me with family, friends, and trusted advisors. Non-Iranian friends have also been reaching out and offering their support and I’ve been taking them up on it. I have been giving myself permission to receive, to be held, to be heard, and to be supported by the people I trust and feel safe with.

3. I’m being extra gentle with myself and giving myself a break whenever I can. For example, I rescheduled networking calls that were not particularly urgent to save my energy for more pressing commitments. I have also been saying “no” to random requests for my time and expertise that I would normally feel guilty saying “no” to. And if I don’t have the energy for my regular workout class, I listen to my body and go for a walk instead. 

4. I continue to prioritize my mental health and my nervous system. This means that in addition to the previous items, I make sure I move my body throughout the day, get some fresh air and time in nature, nourish my body properly, set boundaries with the news and social media, meditate, practice breathwork, practice gratitude, and try my best to get enough sleep. NONE of this has been easy to stick to during this time. But I don’t aim for perfection. I know that every little drop in the bucket helps, even if it is just a walk around the block, two minutes of meditation, and three deep breaths.

5. To consistently show up, I remember that life is about “AND.” Life is always a mixed bag. I can feel sad, angry, and horrified about what is happening AND feel inspired and hopeful about the future. I can be grieving AND still find moments of joy during the day. I can feel worried and scared for the people and my family in Iran AND feel excited to be there for my clients. I can have a good cry in the morning AND feel inspired to get some work done in the afternoon. I give myself credit for showing up and taking small steps. 

6. I am staying focused on the here and NOW and my WHY like I’ve never done before! I have no idea what news I’m going to wake up to tomorrow, so all I can do is to focus on today and do the best that I can. It has forced me to let go of any attachments I had to outcomes, and prioritize the progress I can make today. I also keep thinking about how these women are showing up and risking their lives for their basic freedoms, the least I can do is to show up to my office and exercise mine! And given the situation, I can’t help but to be constantly reminded of my why: I’m here to help women shine their light and heal our world through their presence and impact. While I fear for the women in Iran, I also feel inspired and energized by their example and courage and have been channeling all of this into my calls and my work.

All of these practices combined create powerful synergy that at the core, comes down to this: The more attention I devote to processing these difficult emotions and realities and taking care of my mental health and nervous system, the more connected I feel with myself, my internal wisdom, and the present moment. This allows me to have more clarity about my life and work, take inspired action, be more efficient, and keep showing up for others despite what I’m personally going through.

So the next time you feel guilty about taking some time for yourself in the midst of all the chaos, worries, and obligations, I hope you remember this: investing in your mental health and wellbeing is the best investment you can make! 

It will payoff big time for you and for everyone that you take care of and serve. I hope you start incorporating these practices to help you feel your best now and to be able to sustain your energy when more intense periods arise. Remember: don’t aim for perfection, every drop of progress counts! Start with just taking one big DEEP breath now…

Also, if you or someone you know is going through a difficult time, I have a useful (and free) guide with 10 strategies to help folks recover quickly and emerge as a more powerful, confident, and radiant person. You can get The Leader’s Guide to Overcoming Life’s Unexpected Hardships, here.

Praying for better days for the people of Iran and for “zan, zendegi, azadi” (Women, Life, Freedom) to prevail…

Sending you all lots of love,

Maliheh

What Every Female Founder Needs to Know About Her Impact on Our World

Dear Friends,

I recently saw a LinkedIn post where a female-identifying founder shared, “in a world where only 2% of venture funding goes to women, I have received advice to distance myself from any behaviors or activities that would be considered overtly ‘feminine.’”

Unfortunately, this kind of advice isn’t unique to the funding space.

A couple of months ago, a friend overheard me on a business call and afterward, he said to me, “I don’t know how you would get any business. You were giggling like a little girl!”

I know that this type of comment/advice is often coming from genuine care and concern as most of us (women and men) have been conditioned to believe that if we don’t conform to the traditionally “masculine” norms of business and professionalism, we can’t get the funding, the client, or even be considered serious professionals. 

But these norms were originally defined and established before women ever had a real chance to actively participate and have an influence in the professional space.

Basically, these norms and systems were mostly designed by men for men in a different era.

To survive and adapt to these systems, for too long, women have had to conform to these norms, sometimes at the expense of their mental and physical health. And by adapting, we’ve also been inadvertently enabling these systems that were not designed with us in mind. 

We’ve also been made to believe that if we don’t succeed, or don’t get the funding, or the client, or the votes, we are to blame.

Either we didn’t work hard enough or we were trying too hard, or we were too assertive or too accommodating, or we were too perfect or not perfect enough, or we were too “feminine” or too “bossy”. Or maybe, we giggled too much or did not smile enough, and maybe, we used too many exclamation points!

It never ends!

If only 2% of venture funding goes to women, despite women-founded businesses yielding higher revenues than male-founded businesses, then this is a massive system failure, not the failure of women. 

If laughing and savoring the joy of making a genuine human connection is considered “unprofessional”, then it is the professional system and the workplace that is detached from the breadth of emotions and the human experience.

These are urgent calls to redesign and de-bias these systems and for us women to fiercely honor ourselves like never before.

It is through our unapologetic self-representation, standing together, and partnering with allies that we can challenge these systems to finally evolve to ALSO accommodate women, diversity, and the human experience.

No more hiding and dimming ourselves and our “femininity” out of fear of rejection. 

These “rejections” are redirecting us to find and create spaces and opportunities where we are welcomed and embraced.

And as authentic female founders, you can also pave the way by reshaping the world and redesigning the systems through your businesses and leadership.

You are already pioneers and improving our world through your products and services, but your impact goes beyond your business ventures.

With everything you do, you are redesigning our world and redefining what it means to be in business, to be a leader, and to be a professional. In fact, life may intentionally challenge you to innovate new ways of working and running a business to avoid perpetuating the old dysfunctional systems and the status quo.

None of this is to make the journey more difficult for you. Instead, it is to encourage you to create a path that better honors you and works for you, even if it hasn’t been done before and meets the disapproval of others.

If someone doesn’t give you the funding or the business because you dared to be yourself, then walk away with your head held high knowing that money or business was not meant for you. 

In fact, if someone gives you funding or business and expects you to be someone other than who you are or to compromise your values in any way, then that money or relationship would almost certainly suffocate you and limit your growth, power, and impact in the long run.

If you feel a genuine call to serve and birth your idea into this world, please trust that the right resources, the funding, and the teachers and guides will come to you as you stay aligned with who you are and your purpose.

I’m so incredibly proud of the founder who shared her post and did not heed the “limit your femininity” advice and decided to represent and show up as herself.

Let's all commit to fiercely being ourselves and refusing to settle for a world that expects us to be any less!

The more we all step into our authentic way of being, the more the world will have to transform through and around us.

So, please keep being YOU and shining your light in a way that honors you.

The world needs you to be YOU - now more than ever!

With love and solidarity,

Maliheh

The Leader’s Guide to Overcoming Life’s Unexpected Hardships

Dear Friends,

Whether it is an accident, tragedy, sudden loss, illness, devastating heartbreak, trauma, or a terrible combination of unexpected difficulties, life happens to all of us. It doesn’t care if you are a CEO, a leader, have people depending on you, or have a business or an organization to run (or you are due to write your bi-weekly letters).

So, what do you do when the rug gets pulled out from right under you? How do you cope when your life has instantly turned upside down?

Given the turbulent times we live in and all the tragedies happening around us, I have prepared a brief, yet, complete 10-step guide to help you prepare and recover quickly from life's unexpected hardships if/when you are faced with one.

You are welcome to get the guide here (it is free, of course):

This resource was inspired by my years of guiding clients through unexpected challenges and a deep examination of my own recovery process after going through an excruciating situation last year. I share some of what I went through in the hopes that it will help you remember that you are not alone in going through painful human experiences.

If you are ever hit with a sudden and painful shock to your system, I hope you will keep this in mind:

Resilience isn’t about pushing past pain or not feeling pain, it is about having the capacity to move through it. 

From the bottom of my heart, I hope that this guide helps you prepare and move through whatever comes your way and brings you comfort when you need it most. And I ask that you please share this resource with those you love and care about.

Sadly, just a week ago, I tragically lost a friend who had been struggling in silence for a long time and I had no idea. It is still hard for me to believe that he is gone and I wish I had reached out to him and shared this resource sooner… I don’t know if it would have solved his challenges, but it might have at least encouraged him to reach out and ask for help.

So please share this link with friends, family, and colleagues. We all need these reminders and you never know who may be really needing them now.

This guide is dedicated to the memory my friend and to the brave and incredibly resilient women who are fighting for their freedoms - my mind, heart, and spirit are with you all.

With love and gratitude,

Maliheh

How Founders Can Avoid Losing Their "Why" and Their Way

Dear friends,

When we lose our connection with our “why”, we also gradually start to lose our way and our creativity. We struggle with motivation, procrastination, chronic stress, and fatigue, and get into the mode of simply existing, surviving, and putting out fires, instead of joyfully thriving.

We may KNOW what our “why” is from an intellectual level, we may even remind ourselves of it regularly and have it plastered on our walls, in our company mission statements, and all over our office spaces, but if we don’t consistently FEEL connected with it in our hearts, that’s where things start to unravel.

I advise female founders and all of them start out their entrepreneurship journey driven by their “why”. They initially know exactly who they want to serve and why and are feeling the burning fire to follow their “why”. They overcome so many obstacles and start building amazing companies that are having a positive impact on the world. But eventually, the weight of day-to-day demands, expectations, and challenges start wearing them down, and before they know it, some find themselves lost, drained, exhausted, and on the brink of shutdown.

Obviously, there could be many other contributing factors, but for purpose-driven founders, I’ve observed that feeling disconnected from their “why” is often a common one. I’ve definitely been there myself, too, and it is a painful and confusing experience. Fortunately, it has resulted in a lot of growth, and from this experience, I have developed a sustainable solution that I’m about to share with you.

From a behavioral science perspective, and as James Clear explains in Atomic Habits (one of my favorite books by the way!), “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.”

To truly flourish as a leader and as a founder, you need to design an efficient system to keep you consistently connected with your “why” intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

The goal is to build a system that gives you the greatest feeling of connection and the most significant return for your time for the least amount of resistance and investment. What this would look like for you would be highly dependent on your current situation and your unique environment, needs, personality, and preferences.

I have developed a whole methodology that helps me identify what would work best for my clients, but at the core, your system needs two key elements:

1. At least one intervention that helps you FEEL your “why” on a regular basis. The best way that I’ve found to do this for my clients and I is to find a way to experience and FEEL the impact our products or services are having on the end-user (i.e. the actual people we are serving and/or trying to serve). When was the last time you felt that you were making a difference in your customers’ lives? How did you become aware of this impact and the feeling? How could you keep replicating this? Brainstorm a list and make sure the intervention you choose has the following components:

   1. It is done in a way that is efficient, easy to implement, and also truly nourishing, enjoyable (dare I say even “fun”), and energizing to you. We are not trying to create more work for you. We are trying to add nourishment and inspiration to give you a boost of energy to get through the rest of your work with greater joy and ease.

   2. It is scheduled to be experienced on a periodic and consistent basis. Determining the frequency is very important. You don’t want to overdo it and overwhelm yourself, but you want to make sure that you ALWAYS stay nourished and maintain a rhythm that is sustainable for you.

   3. It needs to provide you with variety so this practice doesn’t just become something you start doing out of habit and eventually lose interest in. Variety helps you the curiosity and joy of it alive.

2. A brief, yet potent, daily practice. This is to help you continue the momentum and not let a single day pass without experiencing the joy of knowing and feeling your “why”. When is a good time for you to sit for five minutes to drop into your heart and feel your “why”? What can help you access this heart space quickly and easily? Do you have an established habit that you can pair this new daily practice with?

To illustrate, here is an example from a founder that I’ve worked with:  

Based on her background, journey, vision, personality, interests, business needs, and curiosity, we designed a system for her to have weekly calls with the actual end users of her company’s technology. We even came up with a fun name for the weekly calls that made her smile and look forward to it every time she looked at her calendar. This intervention gave her customers a chance to feel valued, seen, and heard by connecting with the Founder and CEO directly. Not to mention, it provided my client with so much joy to connect with these individuals and hear how they were using her technology to improve their lives. As an added bonus, by hearing the users’ stories, experiences, and feedback, my client received plenty of ideas on how to improve her technology and the user experience. She was able to brainstorm new ideas with existing customers and see their genuine reactions. So in a way, this system also doubled as a source of consistent qualitative field research for her. And because each week she met with a completely new individual, it kept her curious and engaged. 

In addition, she was to take five minutes every day to set a conscious intention for her workday, really FEEL her why, and dedicate the work that she was about to do to the individuals she was serving. She was to do this every morning when she already had the habit of reviewing her calendar for the day, so it was easy for her to remember and implement. This helped her step into the space of feeling love for her work and approaching the day with enthusiasm for all that she could accomplish and the impact that she could have.

My client literally couldn’t wait to get off the call with me to start implementing this system, and she did. It helped her stay connected with her “why” and feel alive, energized, and creative again. It made a world of difference for her, her company, and her customers.

It is important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all system and our needs continue to change, so our systems need to adapt as well. We are all different and you need to explore, experiment, and intentionally design a system that works best for you and continue to improve it.

Of course, there are situations where individuals realize that their company and/or work is not making a positive impact and that could be what is draining them. That is a whole different conversation we can have at another time. Or it could be that your “why” is related to something other than the impact of your business. You can still use the same approach and build a system around connecting with the positive feeling of your “why”.

Assuming that your business is already making a positive impact (or it is on its way there) and that is what your “why” is related to, I truly hope these reminders and strategies help you develop the systems necessary to support you. 

You deserve to feel energized, nourished, and to show up with your full presence - radiating with light, love, and joy!

And thank you for being part of my system of connecting with my “why”. Writing these letters, receiving your responses, and connecting with you nourishes me more than you could imagine. 

Sending you my love and gratitude,

Maliheh

A Leader’s Guide to Providing Critical Feedback

Dear friends,

In a previous letter, I shared what every leader needs to determine before providing critical feedback that could be perceived as “negative”. If you haven’t read that already, please take a few minutes to go back and read that first (you can find it here).

Cultivating the ability to have difficult conversations is essential for developing a healthy workplace environment. That is why, in this letter, we get to the how of providing critical feedback so that it has a positive impact and promotes learning and growth. Obviously, so much of this depends on the specific contexts and this is meant to be a general guide for leaders and managers who may need to provide critical feedback to an individual employee about their work performance.

Now, very quickly, some of these go without saying, but here are some behaviors you definitely want to avoid:

1. DO NOT use humor - this can work for some people, but it can also backfire. It can be perceived as you making fun of the individual and/or their challenges. It would be best to avoid it in feedback-giving situations.

2. DO NOT call them out in front of others. Public shaming and embarrassment are not necessary.

3. DO NOT use inappropriate, disrespectful, foul, or hurtful language

4. DO NOT yell, scream, or raise your voice - if you are feeling angry or frustrated, go and privately calm yourself down first before attempting to talk to anyone.

5. DO NOT offer unsolicited feedback when it is not necessary to do so (check out my previous letter on this, here)

6. DO NOT spring unsolicited feedback on someone without laying the proper foundations

7. DO NOT make the feedback personal by criticizing them as a person, their personality, or their appearance 

8. DO NOT assume that you have all the information and that you know everything

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list as unfortunately, so many people are traumatized every day by countless unhealthy and toxic behaviors at work. But you get the idea. The goal here is to promote a culture of respect, compassion, curiosity, learning, and growth. 

Hopefully, you have already cultivated a culture of learning and growth, where everyone is valued and respected. That would be an ideal starting point. (I’ll write more about how to do this more in future bi-weekly letters. Make sure to subscribe to receive my letters in your inbox.)

Assuming an established growth-oriented and respectful culture as your starting point, here are the essential elements to making sure your valuable feedback and suggestions for improvement have a positive impact:

1. Check-in and get grounded with your intention. Why do you want to provide this critical feedback? What do you hope providing this feedback will achieve? Please be honest with yourself and catch yourself if you feel the urge to give feedback because you want to prove that you know more, or are superior, or are in control, or if you or your work feel threatened somehow. That’s ego-driven feedback, which never lands well. A great intention behind giving feedback is: To empower the recipient with necessary knowledge and support their success and wellbeing. Write out your intention clearly. For example, “My intention behind giving this feedback is that I want to support Susan’s work and make it easier for her to thrive in this company. This is out of my care and concern for her success and wellbeing.” Clearly stating your intention will help you get your mindset right and will set the tone for the entire conversation. 

2. Clarify the objective feedback you want to provide. What have you observed about this person’s performance or behavior at work that is a cause for concern or an area for improvement? How can you state this without casting blame or judgment? You want to approach it from a place of curiosity. As with the intention, write it out first and make sure you are being as objective and factual as possible. For example: “Susan has missed three work deadlines this month” is an objective observation. But “Susan is not dedicated to her work because she’s missing work deadlines” is full of judgment, assumptions, and possibly bias. (We all have unconscious bias and it is important to be mindful of them.) 

3. How will you offer support? In preparing for the conversation, it is important that you get very clear on what you are willing to do to support this individual besides providing feedback (e.g. how can you or the organization support them so they can improve in the area that you will be pointing out to them?). If you are already providing support, is there  a way you could improve the support you are providing? Keep in mind that giving feedback is only the start. You need to be willing and ready to help them process and implement the feedback if they choose to.

4. Plan for prioritizing psychological safety and making it a conversation. Providing feedback should never be about you declaring your judgments and leaving the employee to process and figure everything out on their own. As an empathetic leader, who genuinely cares about this person and their success, you really need to approach this entire exercise as a conversation and create psychological safety for the recipient. The following insights will help you do that.

5. Make sure the individual is ready to receive your feedback. In fact, it is ideal if the recipient asks for your feedback directly and you are just following up on their request, or you have already developed a consistent practice of asking for feedback and providing feedback in your organization. If they haven’t asked for your feedback or they not expecting it, then please avoid springing unsolicited feedback onto their plate as much as possible. They may be dealing with a lot of other issues that you may be unaware of at the moment. Also, you need to provide your feedback at an appropriate time and space that places the recipient at ease so that they are more likely to hear you and process the feedback. So give them an opportunity to get mentally ready by reaching out first, but at the same time, don’t make it sound like a super scary event that they’ll be dreading. For example, you can say: “Hi Susan, I have some feedback that I believe you’ll find useful. What do you think about setting up a good time for us to discuss?” You are already partnering with them here and starting the conversation. Make sure to schedule enough time to allow for a conversation and some processing of the feedback. Also, hold the meeting in a safe space for the recipient (i.e. not in front of everyone else in the department).

6. Focus the conversation and the feedback on the person’s work, not the person. Research has shown that women are especially more likely to receive feedback that is personal and not constructive. This has to stop. It also significantly derails your efforts of building an inclusive workplace. That’s why I’m stressing the importance of making feedback, whether positive or negative, to be about the individual’s work and performance not about the individual. So instead of, “You are very kind and compassionate”, try “You work with others in a considerate and compassionate way.” Or instead of “You are very detail-oriented and thorough”, try “Your work is very thorough and detailed.” Focus on the work. Period.

7. Start the conversation by stating at least two SINCERE positive affirmations about THEIR WORK. Some argue that this strategy may come across as insincere and dilute the message you are trying to send. I disagree and the research backs me up on this. As I mentioned in my previous letter, neuroscience research has shown that criticism can provoke the brain’s “fight or flight” response and inhibit learning. Research has also shown that we grow most when we focus on our strengths. So this isn’t about sugar-coating or not telling the truth. The aim is to continue creating the foundations for psychological safety and help the recipient feel seen and appreciated and trust your intentions behind providing the feedback - so they know you are not just trying to be critical or difficult. This can help them be more receptive to learning and growing from your feedback. This is your chance to show them why you value their contributions and how they work. For example, you can say something like:  “I see all the effort you put into [the work they are doing]. Your work is very [positive affirmation #1]. I also appreciate how you work with [positive affirmation #2].” Again, make sure your affirmations are truthful and you mean them, and make it about their work, not them as a person. (If you can’t think of two genuine positive affirmations, then you need to really sit with this and dig deeper. It could be a sign that either you are not seeing this employee’s contributions fully or perhaps the conversation needs to be about something else all together.)

8. Next, provide the critical feedback in an objective statement. This means focusing on what area of their work that objectively needs improvement and presenting the facts with care and from a place of curiosity. You’ve already prepared for this as noted in item #2. Following the two positive affirmations, you would simply add something like: “I’ve noticed that you missed three work deadlines this week.”

9. Next, utilize the power of “Tell me”. “TELL ME” are two of the most powerful words you could use to open the door for curious and meaningful conversation. For example, you can build up on the previous point by saying: “I’ve noticed that you missed three work deadlines this week. Tell me about what is going on.” Simply saying something like “What is going on?” can seem accusatory or elicit a simple response such as “Nothing” or “I promise it won’t happen again.” You want to learn and figure out how you can help them by inviting a non-threatening conversation and “tell me” will help you do that. (For more on the power of “tell me”, make sure to check out my podcast conversation with the world-renowned negotiator and author of Ask for More, Alexandra Carter)

10. Be a safe space for vulnerability and emotions. Release the urge to judge and show up with your full presence, open heart, and an open mind. If emotions come up (tears, sadness, disappointment), don’t shut them down. It may make you uncomfortable, but your discomfort is not more valuable than this individual’s emotions. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Remain calm and grounded, and hold space for the emotions. Validate their emotions (i.e. “It is okay to feel sad/frustrated/disappointed”). Give them the space to gather themself and ask them if they are okay and if they want to continue the conversation at another time. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be human. (For more on cultivating emotional agility, check out my podcast conversation with Harvard Medical School psychologist, Susan David.)

11. Really LISTEN and identify how you can support them better. A conversation involves listening and genuinely hearing the other person. Try mirroring back what you understood from what they shared to make sure that you accurately heard them. Ask clarifying questions and get their feedback on how you feel you can best provide the support that they need (not the support that you think they need). This may require a change in habits and some modifications in the way you run your team, business, or organization. 

12. Help them think through how they can improve and what they need to feel supported through this period of growth. Again, this should be a conversation. Allow them to share and hear them. Do not assume that you are bringing up a problem or challenge that they are unaware of. Be open to the possibility that you don’t have all the information and you can learn something and you may not be fully aware of all the challenges this person is contending with. For example, if they are missing deadlines, it could be because they are distracted and/or drained by unexpected care responsibilities at home. Or maybe, they are being sent assignments last minute and without much clarity or direction. Stay open and curious, and help them think through what the obstacles may be, how they can overcome them, and what they need from you to feel supported as they do so.

13. Provide suggestions that are CONSTRUCTIVE, and are presented in a positive frame. “You can improve in this area by preparing for the tasks ahead of time.” This is much more effective than “not leaving things for the last minute.” The latter sounds judgmental and accusatory and could likely trigger the “fight” or “flight” or “freeze” response and get you heading in an unproductive direction. Focus the conversation on the positive behavior you want to see more of.

14. Decide on and document the next steps together. What will they work on? How will they do it? How will you support them through this process? When will you check in again? How will you check-in? What are the next steps for you? What are the next steps for them? Write it all down and share it to make sure you are in agreement and you both can track the trajectory of progress going forward. They should leave the conversation feeling that you are rooting for them to improve and are there to support them - not that you are waiting in the wings to catch them messing up. You don’t want to inspire fear. You want to inspire faith, hope, and genuine care, and partnership. Let them know that you are here to support them and they should feel free to see you as a resource and a guide. Keep the doors of communication open. They should feel safe to follow up with you and come to you if they run into any hurdles. 

I know this may seem like a lot to keep in mind, but if you start with the right intentions and the right approach and framing that creates psychological safety, you should be just fine. If you ever get stuck, a good guiding question is: 

“What is the compassionate thing to do/say right now?”

Please feel free to share this letter with your organization and colleagues and I truly hope these insights help you turn the “negative” feedback and difficult conversations you have with your team members into opportunities for positive impact, learning, and growth.

See you all again in September!

Best wishes to you,

Maliheh

What Every Leader Needs to Determine Before Providing Critical Feedback

Dear friends,

A couple of weeks ago, I shared a letter on “The Leader’s Guide to Processing and Overcoming Negative Feedback.”

Your responses were incredibly energizing and I feel so grateful that so many of you found the insights helpful and even “healing.”

While learning to process and overcome negative feedback is important as leaders, we also need to be very careful when providing feedback.

Most of us are intending to be helpful when we share what we think of a person’s performance and how they can improve. While intentions matter, they must also be paired with the appropriate actions. Fortunately, we have science- and experience-backed strategies to help.

So how do you give feedback that could be perceived as “negative”?

The first thing you have to do is determine whether giving this feedback is absolutely necessary. You need to explore if there are more effective alternatives and whether there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Neuroscience research has shown that criticism and negative feedback can trigger the “fight or flight” response in our brain, which narrows its activity and hinders our learning.

We definitely want to avoid causing this as much as possible.

So what could you do instead of giving feedback?

Focus on the individuals’ strengths and get creative about cultivating those strengths.

I once had a client whose employee was struggling to improve their sales numbers. My client had tried giving feedback and advising this person before, but she hadn’t noticed any signs of progress. She really cared about her employee, but she also needed to keep her business’ growth and financial interests in mind and was feeling torn about what to do.

I advised her to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

I asked, “Is this person passionate about the mission of your business and are there parts of her job that she does really well?” She responded: “Yes!” and “Yes!”

With that, I knew there was an opportunity here that we needed to explore.

Turns out, the employee was amazing at building strategic connections and partnerships, which was an integral part of the business development process and growth agenda. She just wasn’t good at converting those connections into financial sales.

So I advised my client to help this employee harness their strength even more by creating a new position that allows her to focus on what she is really good at without being weighed down by the responsibility of what she is struggling with. I also advised my client to designate someone else who excels at (and enjoys) sales to focus on driving up sales. This required some organizational reshuffling and it needed to be framed in a way that would make the employee feel like their strengths were being seen and valued (instead of them feeling like they are being pushed aside).

My client’s eyes lit up when she heard this strategy and we developed a step-by-step plan to help her make all of this happen. And as soon as she started implementing, she found the ideal salesperson almost immediately! Not only did my client’s employee feel valued and started to thrive by building on her strengths and having more peace of mind with her new stable income that wasn’t commission-based, but the business growth started to take off with more fruitful strategic partnerships and stronger sales.

So the key point here is this (and I mean this with the utmost appreciation for your genuine intentions to help the people you care about):

The need to provide critical and negative feedback could be signaling the need to look deeper and expand your vision and creativity:

1. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture: Could this situation be providing you with important feedback? How could it be providing an opportunity to expand your leadership capacity, improve your workplace, and/or grow your business/organization?

2. Ask yourself if this person is passionate about your organization’s mission. If not, how can you help them connect more deeply with your organization’s “why” and create a workplace culture where employees stay connected with that mission?

3. Assess the person’s strengths and whether those strengths are aligned with the individual’s core responsibilities

4. Find creative ways to bridge the gap by strategically cultivating their strengths and providing them with the conditions to thrive

Remember that your job as a leader is to identify people’s strengths, activate their intrinsic motivation, and empower them to thrive as their authentic selves. Instead of placing the onus on the employee, make sure you are first taking responsibility for creating ideal workplaces and conditions for the employees to focus on their strengths and flourish.

Now, if you are already doing all of this and you determine that providing the critical feedback is necessary, we get to the how. 

We want to make sure that the “negative” feedback you provide has a positive impact and promotes learning and growth. It is a delicate balance, but it is possible. Stay tuned as I’ll provide you with a detailed step-by-step guide on how to do this in the next letter.

For now, keep seeing and boosting all the goodness and amazing potential that’s already around you!

With love and gratitude,

Maliheh

Five Keys to Bringing More Ease and Joy into Your Work

Dear friends,

I hope you all are staying well, keeping your spirits up, and prioritizing self-care. As I mentioned in my last letter, we all have the capacity to be powerful agents of change and it looks like we continue to have a long road ahead to ensure women’s rights, freedoms, and their thriving in our world.

Last week, I began reading The Lightmaker’s Manifesto: How to Work For Change Without Losing Your Joy. It inspired me to share the letter I had drafted for you before with five keys to help you bring more ease and joy into your work.

It is possible to work and work for change with lightness and joy and I hope these insights help you do that.

Enjoy!

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We all know that work, especially meaningful work, requires a lot of effort, energy, and time. 

But how we work matters because it can dramatically shape the quality of our work and our life.

For some of us, when we think of “work”, it is with a sense of overwhelm or dread—I’ve been there!

Even if it is work that we are passionate about, we approach it with a lot of heaviness, carrying all the responsibility, expectations, fears, and pressures with us at every turn—I’ve been there too!

Most of us also carry some unhealthy beliefs about what work should be like and if you come from an immigrant background like myself, then there may be a lot of additional pressures and expectations to live up to as well. You may also be taught that work must be difficult and if you are not suffering, grinding, and gritting all the time, you didn’t work hard enough or your work is not worthwhile.

But we can redefine all of that. While it is healthy to be challenged – that’s how we grow – it is possible to work without constantly suffering, pushing, and gritting. It is possible to work with ease and joy.

Here are the top five insights that can help you do that:

1. Make the mindset shift: it is safe for work to feel effortless and joyful. Release the belief that you need to suffer, constantly struggle, and be overly busy and drained for you and your work to be important enough or worthy enough. So much of this old belief system is driven by fear. You’ve got to believe that a better way of being is possible for you and you are worthy of creating your best life (I wrote more about this in a previous letter).

   Permit yourself to be the kind of person, founder, entrepreneur, and leader who gives and serves with ease and joy, while lovingly giving to yourself. This mindset shift may take some time and like anything, it can happen with regular practice. 

2. Choose to stay in the present moment. Obsessing about the future or the past will only add unnecessary pain. Yes, we need to learn from past experiences and plan for the future, but the point of power is only in the present moment. Here and now is where life is happening. Here and now is where you have the agency to make choices, trust your curiosity, embrace your creativity, and savor the unfolding of life. Here and now is where we can catch the beautiful moments and key insights that would otherwise pass us by.

   Permit yourself to simply be here, and show up with your full presence. Meditation is a wonderful practice to help you train your mind to stay in the present moment. Research has shown that even 10 minutes a day can make a significant difference in reducing stress, and increasing mental clarity and focus. 

3. Prioritize your well-being daily. Once you allow yourself to be present, you can also allow yourself to connect with yourself, your body, and your needs in the present moment. You must prioritize doing the things that nourish you and bring you to life.

   For example, having a proper sleep schedule, moving your body, spending time in nature, spending time with people who energize you, nourishing your mind with uplifting content and your body with delicious and nutritious foods, taking deep breaths throughout the day, and meditating. These are not luxuries, these are necessities to help you feel your best and stay grounded so you can live intentionally, enjoy each day as much as possible, and share your best self with the world. And you don’t need to start by establishing a regimented and elaborate routine that you feel overwhelmed by. Simply start with 10-15 minutes of purposeful action that allows you to be in the present and prioritize your wellbeing. 

4. Whatever you do, do it with love. Feel the love for yourself, love for the people you work with, love for the people you serve, love for your audience, and love for everyone you touch, and bring it into every step you take.

   Love is the most powerful force there is. When you work with and from a place of love, your ego and fears don’t have the space or opportunity to take over. Your work will come from a more authentic place, your ideas will flow more easily and effortlessly, you will find taking action more energizing, and your loving actions will resonate out into the world in a more powerful and impactful way.

5. Stay in gratitude and celebrate your small daily wins. Constantly pushing and thinking about all the items left on your to-do list (future thinking) keeps you in a state of lack, fear, overwhelm, and not-enoughness. Instead, cultivate gratitude and give yourself permission to celebrate and appreciate where you are on your journey today. 

   You can do this by creating a practice of ending your workday by writing down three small wins that you are feeling grateful for. For example, today, I feel grateful that (1) I was able to draft this letter for you, (2) I chatted with a lovely prospective client, and (3) I was able to take some time to meditate on and brainstorm about my next steps for a project that I’m very passionate about. While I still have lots left to do, I genuinely feel grateful for where I am right now and this allows me to keep moving forward with ease and joy.

We all have our ups and downs. We all have our tough days and tough times. But our days are not supposed to just be painful means to a future end. Even on our toughest days, we can allow ourselves brief moments of ease and gratitude.

We are meant to be challenged to grow while also enjoying and savoring each day of our journey here. No matter where you are on your journey, I hope these insights help you bring more joy into how you work, serve, and give.

Wishing you endless moments love, ease, and joy,

With love and gratitude,

Maliheh

Moving Through Difficult Times Together

Dear friends,

I had prepared a thought-out letter for you all with insights for adding more ease and joy to our work, but it didn’t feel right to send it today. 

Like many of you, I’m still processing the Supreme Court leak and what it could mean for women and our rights in the US.

I can feel the collective fear, anger, disappointment, and frustration.

I’m really struggling to find comforting words to offer at this time and I realized, that is okay.

Sometimes life is about learning to acknowledge and sit through all the pain and discomfort we feel. Sometimes the road ahead is not clear and it can feel scary. That is okay too.

We can hold ourselves and hold each other through these times. 

We can choose to breathe and move through the pain and discomfort, one moment at a time. 

We can remember that everything in life is impermanent and we are powerful agents of change.

We can trust that no matter what happens, we will value and support ourselves and each other. We will recharge, rebuild, and come back stronger than ever.

Please know that you are not alone. I’m breathing with you… If it would help, you are welcome to write to me (simply reply to this email) and share how you are feeling. I’m here and I will make sure to respond to you – directly and privately.

If you are looking for a simple guide to help you better support the women in your life during this time, please feel free to review the letter I wrote a couple of weeks ago. You can find it here and I hope it helps.

We will get through this struggle together. 

One breath, one moment, and one day at a time.

Sending you all so much love,

Maliheh

The Leader’s Guide to Processing and Overcoming Negative Feedback

Dear Friends,

We all need feedback to improve, but let’s face it, getting feedback that is unfavorable doesn’t always feel good and we’ve all been there. 

It can lead to a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism on top of the external criticism we just received. We may also feel discouraged, it could lead us to shut down and even end up getting completely derailed. This can be even worse for women as research has shown that we are more likely to internalize negative feedback than men. Unfortunately, women are also more likely to be recipients of criticism and feedback that is more personal and less constructive.

But this can’t deter us. Negative feedback is unavoidable, especially if we are breaking ground, challenging norms, and changing the status quo. No matter how careful and considerate we are, some people are going to resist change and we won’t be able to please everyone - nor should we try to. Additionally, if we are pioneers in uncharted waters, the path forward is not always clear, and “mistakes” can happen (we are human after all), which could invite negative feedback.

Sometimes the negative feedback is well-meaning and can be constructive, sometimes it is delivered poorly and hurtfully, sometimes it comes from the sender’s own insecurities or resistance, and sometimes it comes from ignorance, bias, or hate.

I’ve definitely received my fair share of negative feedback as I’ve always had the tendency to go against what was expected of me, and the same goes for most of my clients. So I’m going to share with you my top practices to help you stay open and continue to thrive as you turn negative feedback into stepping stones for success.

Here we go!

1. First and foremost, remember that your self-worth must always be safe and secure with you. Do not let yourself be defined by your work, your productivity, your career, your accomplishments, your social situation, your income, your status, your followers, your appearance, or anything external. Don’t give outside forces and voices the power to alter how you value yourself. Your worth needs to be derived internally and by deeply connecting with your inner being. Know and remember that while you continue to grow and evolve, your worth as a human being can always be internally safe and secure.

2. Secondly, and I can’t say this enough: You’ve got to be self-compassionate! You need to create internal safety and know that no matter what the external world tells you or how harsh they are “out there”, you’ll be kind and gentle with yourself “in here.” It is about treating and speaking to yourself like a child or friend you adore. This doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge your current circumstances and live in denial. In fact, it is the opposite. Being self-compassionate could sound like: “I know people are not accepting of what I’m doing right now (or I know I made a mistake, I’m human and I’m allowed to make mistakes). I choose to be kind to myself as I learn and grow from this.” (For more, listen to my podcast conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff, the pioneer in self-compassion research.)

3. Let yourself FEEL whatever emotions are coming up for you. Frustration? Disappointment? Fear? Anxiety? Sadness? A mix? Feel them all. As I’ve mentioned before, you are not your emotions. You want to feel your emotions to release them, not wallow in them or act on them in unproductive ways. They are just emotions and can be uncomfortable, but you are capacious enough to feel them and breathe through them. The emotions just want to be acknowledged, and journaling about how you are feeling can help you process them more easily. (For more, listen to my podcast conversation with Dr. Susan David, Harvard Medical School Psychologist, and author of Emotional Agility.)

4. Set some boundaries and give yourself a grace period to get grounded. Resist the temptation to respond and react immediately. Breathe. Give yourself a little time and space to regroup and for the dust to settle so you can see the situation more clearly - even if it is just 10 minutes of getting quiet and going inward. If you are being pushed to respond, you can always say something like: “I appreciate your patience as I take a little time to give this feedback the attention it deserves. I want to make sure that I respond in a thoughtful manner.” 

5. Process the feedback from a place of curiosity, not judgment. Every experience brings opportunities for growth, so release your judgments about yourself and who you are receiving the feedback from and get curious about what you can learn from the feedback–if anything. The lessons may be about the experience of receiving this feedback and how it was delivered rather than the actual feedback itself. Get curious and extract as many lessons as you can. Sharing with your trusted circle of advisors can also help you process the feedback from different perspectives and use the insights to fuel your growth. This brings me to my next point:

6. Use the lessons to fuel your growth and impact. The implementation strategies here would depend on the lessons provided by the feedback and the experience. Ideally, you’ll want to apply the lessons to improve mindsets and/or behaviors in a productive way. Some experimentation and adaptation may also be necessary. Start with taking small steps and continue learning and modifying your approach and application as needed.

7. Appropriately respond to the feedback. Obviously, your response would highly depend on the context and the feedback. Remember that no response is also a response and that is always an option and at times, the healthiest one. If you do want to respond directly, generally speaking, I would recommend crafting your response with as much kindness and compassion as possible. There is a Persian saying from Rumi that I grew up with: “az mohabbat kharha gol mishavad”, “with loving kindness, thorns bloom into flowers”. That’s something I try to live by, but you need to trust yourself to respond in a way that is constructive and feels right for you and your situation.

I hope these practices help you whenever you encounter any negative feedback.

Negative feedback comes with the territory, especially if you are a woman and working to create real change in the world. So make sure to get proactive about creating internal security and safety, cultivating your inner peace, emotional agility, and a growth mindset and you’ll be unstoppable!

I know it may sound like a lot of additional things are being asked of you, but you don’t have to embody all of these practices overnight. Be gentle with yourself–remember? You are building your resilience muscles and they can take time. Start small and for now, keep this letter as a reference for whenever you need these reminders. 

Also, let’s please remember to be kind, compassionate, and constructive when we give feedback to one another. Let’s try to lift each other up, encourage, and support one another–more on this and on providing feedback in future letters.

For now, let’s keep on learning, growing, and shining!

Onwards and upwards!

Maliheh

The #1 Key to Increasing Your Impact

Dear Friends,

We all aspire toward “being the change” we wish to see in the world, yet, many individuals have major blindspots in this area, which gets in their way of making the impact they want to make.

I once had a client who was a passionate founder and entrepreneur working hard to support and nourish mothers through technology, but she was feeling depleted and lost. The main issue was that she completely forgot about nourishing the most important mother of all: herself! Once she committed to making herself a priority, she was able to find herself again and it led to redesigning her life and how she ran her organization. She began to thrive and so did her business of nourishing others.

To maximize your impact, you need to fully embody the change you want to create in the world from the inside out - both for yourself and your organization. It is about deeply examining how you treat yourself and everyone in your life, and how you run your organization.

This may seem daunting at first, but if you turn toward this internal exploration with curiosity, self-compassion, and optimism, it can lead to an exciting, fulfilling, and incredibly rewarding transformational process.

It can also propel the success and impact of your organization. Generally, the internal conditions of the founders, leaders, teams, and the systems that are in place will be reflected in the level of external success or failure of any organization or business.

Unfortunately, many organizations focus on “making it happen” out in the world, while neglecting how they are “making it happen” internally. This can lead to a lot of turmoil.

If your mission is not deeply aligned with your actions in all areas of your life and leadership, then life will likely keep sending you challenges to alert you. Hopefully, you will be paying attention and these challenges can guide you and your organization to redirect and realign.

For example, another client of mine was a driven leader of a women’s empowerment organization, but she was feeling incredibly overwhelmed and her days were filled with putting out one fire after another just to keep herself and her organization afloat. She was trying to empower others, but she wasn’t empowering herself to ask for the support that she needed and her employees were not feeling empowered to talk about what was going wrong inside the organization. Thankfully, she was able to realize this just in time. Once she created a safe space for her employees to share and be vulnerable and allowed herself to lean on them for support, together, they were able to fix the structural issues that were hindering their growth and impact.

So when you are trying to create a positive change in the world, but are met with lots of struggle and turmoil, I hope you get curious about looking inward. Evaluate how you can better bring that change into your own life and organization and make sure you embody it from the inside out.

When you and your organization are truly aligned with your mission, then your work of fulfilling that mission will flow with greater ease and joy.

That’s the #1 key to increasing your impact and making the change you wish to see in the world: wholeheartedly embodying and modeling that change in ALL areas of your life and organization.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world” from the inside out and the change may come even sooner than you imagine!

Best wishes to you on this powerful journey,

Maliheh