Three Core Beliefs You Need to Create Your Best Life

Dear Friends,

The other day, a friend of mine called me for some advice. After nearly two decades of excelling in a soul-crushing industry, she’s finally ready to find a path that better honors who she is and would finally bring her joy and a sense of fulfillment. 

The problem is: she is feeling incredibly scared of taking a new direction and sailing in uncharted waters.

So I asked her, “How many more years do you want fear to rule your life?”

She paused for a moment and said, “You know, come to think of it, if I’m really honest with myself, my entire career has been built on fear!”

I responded, “Yeah and you’ve done really well in your career so far having built it all on fear. Now, imagine how much more amazing your career would be if you build it on love instead!”

She got really quiet and then said, “Wow. I never thought about it that way!”

So many of us stick to what we know because it feels safe, even if we are miserable. It is as if we are walking through a dark tunnel and holding on to the handrails for dear life as we inch our way forward. But because others have walked through this tunnel and reported some relatively positive outcomes, we keep inching away no matter how frustrated, tired, uninspired, and unfulfilled we feel. 

But what if you let go of the handrails (or at least freed up one hand) to turn on the light switch instead? You may be able to move forward more quickly and/or see another path that is lighter and brighter ahead. 

In my work, I often guide my clients to turn on the light to fully see their journey and thrive as they navigate uncharted waters. 

Both in my work and in my personal journey, I’ve found that three core beliefs are required to begin lighting the path that honors you:

1. You’ve got to really and truly value yourself. You’ve got to believe that you deserve better and you are worthy of working and living in a way that honors you and brings you joy, vibrant health, abundance, and fulfillment. 

   If you don’t believe this in your core, then please see this as an invitation to do some exploring and heal what could be blocking you from valuing yourself and seeing yourself as worthy. A good therapist can also help you navigate this process.

2. You’ve got to believe that better is possible. Allow yourself to imagine the best possibility for yourself where you would be feeling healthy, joyful, energized, grounded, supported, inspired, confident, and fulfilled. Life is full of abundance and possibilities, and if you are able to see a better life and career for yourself, then know, it is possible for you to create it.

   If you aren’t able to see a better possibility for your life, give yourself the permission to dream and visualize a life that would honor your needs and allow you to thrive with ease and joy. What makes you feel like the most vibrant version of yourself? If you wanted to feel this way everyday, what kind of support would you have? How would you be taking care of yourself? What would your daily routine look like? What kind of people would you be interacting with? What kind of work would you be doing? Who would you be serving and impacting? Choose one of these questions to journal about to help get you started.

3. You’ve got to believe that you are enough. You are already endowed with everything you need in order to thrive and bring forth the best path for you. Now, this doesn’t mean that you know everything you will ever need to know. This means that you are ready to receive the better life that you deserve and you already have the necessary capacity to learn and adapt as you move forward. 

   If you are struggling with this, try a daily practice of looking into the mirror, really looking into your eyes, and affirming for yourself “I am enough.” “I am enough exactly as I am right now.” “I am enough to receive _______.”
   

With these core beliefs, you adopt a new way of being.

Once you are being someone who truly values themself, knows that better is possible, and believes that they are enough to receive better, then, the “how” and the process of unfolding can really ignite. And for that, you’ve also got to be able to navigate all the uncertainty that accompanies it. 

I’ll make sure to share some of my insights and tips about dealing with uncertainty in future letters. But for now, I really hope this helps, especially if you are feeling stuck, frustrated, stagnant, uninspired wherever you are. 

Please get curious and pay attention to what these feelings could be telling you. These emotions are providing valuable data that could redirect you to a way of living and working that can bring you more joy and help you thrive in every aspect of your life.

You have only one life to live. 

Please stop letting fear rule your life. 

Build your life on love instead.

Love and value yourself. Believe in yourself and what could be possible for you. And create the life that is best for you! 

Maliheh

Celebrating Women Isn’t Enough, Here’s How You Can Support Them

Dear Friends,

We all know that celebrating women, their contributions, and impact is important. Women’s History Month, International Women’s Day, Mother’s Day, and birthdays (it happens to be my mom’s birthday today - Happy Birthday Maman!) present us with some additional opportunities for celebration.

However, women don’t just need to be celebrated. They also need to be supported and appreciated for who they truly are throughout the year.

Women deserve to be encouraged to dream, to pursue their passions, and to thrive in every aspect of their lives.

Unfortunately, so many women are not getting the support that they need and deserve. This is also true for women leaders and I never forget the moment that I realized this as it changed my life forever!

Years ago, I had a chance meeting with a radiant and highly accomplished woman leader who was at the helm of a women’s empowerment organization. During our conversation, I got the sense that she is constantly juggling multiple roles, putting out fires, and supporting everyone around her. It felt like a lot for one person to be handling on their own. I started to wonder, “How is she being supported through all of this?”

So I asked her, “I’m curious. It is very clear that you are incredibly passionate, capable, and doing amazing work to empower so many women. You also have a board to answer to, funds to raise, projects to oversee, employees to support, public appearances to make, and it seems like you are there for everyone. Who is supporting you as you are doing all of this?”

She looked at me with a blank stare and said, “What do you mean?”

I said, “Who is supporting you?  Encouraging you?  Elevating you?”

She again, had a blank stare. I kept going, “Who do you have to vent to? Brainstorm with? Strategize with? And lean on?”

She paused for a moment and finally said, “No one.”

I was shocked!

I remember thinking “What’s the point if we keep saying we need more women in leadership, if once they get there, they are not supported and end up getting burned out?”

My heart truly broke for her. Next thing I knew, I found myself saying, “If you let me, I’ll be that person for you!”

Her eyes lit up, she breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back in her chair as if the weight of the world was just lifted off her shoulders. 

She ended up becoming my inspiration and advising her put me on the path to becoming an advisor for women founders, entrepreneurs, and changemakers.

While I’m grateful for the opportunity to work with amazing women to help them birth their visions and ideas in a way that also honors them and creates meaningful change in the world, I believe that we all (men and women) have a responsibility to do more to support women. 

Here’s how you can support the women in your life:

1. Be a safe space. Be kind, compassionate, and understanding. Release the urge to judge, analyze, assume, and give solutions. Simply show up with your full presence, open heart, and an open mind.

2. Be genuinely curious and ask the women in your life what they NEED to feel more supported. Be mindful of the fact that some women may not be very clear about what they need because their needs have been neglected for far too long. So you may be finding yourself helping them connect with their needs through your inquiry. Give them the space to sit with this and encourage them to think about what kind of support could help them shine brighter and live with greater ease and joy.

3. Really LISTEN and identify how you can add support to their lives. Try mirroring back what you understood from what they shared to make sure that you accurately heard them. Ask clarifying questions and get their feedback for how you feel you can best provide the support that they need (not the support that you think they need). This may require a change in habits and some modifications in the way you run your household, team, business, or organization.

4. Remember to actually provide the support! Having conversations is a start, but it is not at all sufficient. I know this seems like common sense, but for all the lovely well-meaning folks out there, please remember that consistently providing the support women need is necessary for them to feel supported. A simple way to know if you are actually providing the support women need is to ask for their feedback.

5. Be open to feedback, stay curious, and keep learning and adapting as necessary. Remember that needs change and your form of support may need to change as a result. This is a dynamic process that requires your genuine engagement and agreeing on a regular and periodic checking-in routine may be helpful.

Now, for all the wonderful women who may be reading this, here are some reminders that may help you too:

1. Believe that you are worthy of support. Please, let’s stop praising ourselves for being superwomen and self-sacrificing martyrs. We are human and we all deserve to be held, heard, seen, and supported, and to thrive with joy and ease.

2. Connect with your needs. Get curious and ask yourself what you need to become the most radiant version of yourself.

3. ASK for help! There is no shame in asking for help. It doesn’t make you weak. It is no different than your body asking for nutrients or sleep. If you are a human being, which you are, you need (and deserve) to be supported emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically in order to truly thrive. 

4. Allow yourself to RECEIVE! You can’t get support if you don’t know how to receive it. So many of us have spent most of our lives giving to others that receiving feels foreign to us. We may even resist help and feel guilty if we are being supported. Please give yourself permission to receive, to be held, to be supported, and to flow with ease and joy.

5. Stay curious about your needs and be proactive about asking for and receiving the appropriate help, guidance, and support. Keep growing and adapting as necessary.

BONUS TIP: Use this letter as a catalyst to start the conversation. Share this with those who you want to support more or who you need more support from. Forward it to your partner. Print it out and use it to start a dialogue with your team at work. Start today!

I hope these tips help and that we all remember that by giving to each other, we also give to ourselves and to our world.

When you help one person shine, you help make the world a brighter place for us all - including yourself.

So let’s continue to celebrate women, but more importantly, let’s continue to listen to women, support women, and elevate women. 

Onwards and upwards we go!

Maliheh

A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Fear, Doubt, and Procrastination

Dear Friends,

In my previous letter, I shared four questions you need to ask yourself as a changemaker before signing on to a new project. But what do you do once you sign on to a project and the internal fear and doubt start creeping in?

You signed up with the best of intentions. You were excited, the project and individuals involved felt aligned with your values, you found it energizing, and you felt that you would be making an impact and creating the change you wish to see in the world.

But once things get rolling, you may start to doubt yourself. You may start to feel scared. You may even feel yourself shut down, withdraw, procrastinate, and completely lose interest in the very project you were excited about just a short time ago!

You try to connect with yourself to see what is going on. You go inward and notice the self-critical inner dialogue:

What if I can’t live up to the expectations people have of me?

Am I good enough to be doing this?

Is there a point to me doing any of this?

Do I have enough to give?

What if it doesn’t turn out well?

What if I disappoint people?

What if I can’t make an impact?

What if this whole thing falls apart?

And on and on…

It can feel like a lot hitting you all at once.

What do you do when you feel like your internal thoughts and fears are getting in your way?

Here is a step-by-step guide to help you troubleshoot and get you going again:

1. Thank your mind and inner critic for sharing their input and tap into your growth mindset. Remember that the inner critic’s main job is to keep you safe. Turn toward it with compassion. And remember that no matter how accomplished of a changemaker you are, you are still allowed to make mistakes and to grow.
   
   Tell the inner critic: “I know you are trying to keep me safe. Thank you for sharing your concerns. I know I’m capacious enough to handle whatever that happens just as I have so far in my life. Whatever happens, I know I’ll learn and grow and I will be OKAY. I choose to take one small step.” (For more on the role of the inner critic, growth mindset, and practicing self-compassion, tune into my podcast conversation with the pioneer in self-compassion research, Dr. Kristin Neff). 

2. Embrace the fear. Remember that fear is a normal human emotion. It is completely OKAY to feel scared. Most of us shut down because we believe that if we are really good enough that we should never feel scared. So when the fear comes up, we see it as a sign that we are not capable or confident enough somehow. Instead, if you are feeling scared, that is probably a sign that you are being challenged and growing.
   
   Most people make the mistake of saying to themselves, “I’m scared.” No, you are not scared. You are feeling scared. The feeling does not define you as a person. It is simply an experience you are having. Tell yourself, “I know I’m feeling scared, and it is OKAY to feel scared. This is new for me. I’m learning and growing. I choose to breathe through it. I choose to take one small step.” I love this quote from Susan David, Ph.D., Harvard Medical School Psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, “Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is fear walking.” (For more on thriving with emotional courage, you can listen to my podcast conversation with Susan David here.)

3. Remember your “Why”. Why did you sign up for this? Who did you want to serve? Re-energize yourself by thinking about the person or people you want to impact and your greater purpose. Remember what a disservice it would be if they missed out on all that you could be giving. Really visualize them and feel what it would feel like for them to receive your presence, insights, gifts, and talents and what it would feel like for you to give to them.

4. Trust your curiosity. Ask: “What am I feeling curious about starting? What is one small step I can choose to take to move forward with this project?” Not “what should I start on” or “what do I have to do”, but “what do I feel curious about and can choose to do”. If you identify a few tasks, pick the one you feel most curious about and aligned with in this moment.

5. Take that one step. Move forward by taking the one small step you feel most curious about. Let go of perfection and just START!

6. Celebrate yourself and the step you just took. Pay attention to how good it feels to take one step and to be moving forward. You deserve to feel good about the progress you are making and celebrate the small wins, not just the final end result. This is how you allow yourself to enjoy the journey.

7. Repeat steps 1-6 as necessary. Take it one super tiny step at a time. Before you know it, your curiosity will start to carry you, the momentum will start to build, your confidence will get a boost, and you’ll be flowing and rolling again.

Notice that the suggested inner dialogues use the word “choose” not “have to” or “should”. Don’t take your own power away by operating in “have tos” and “shoulds”. You are powerful, strong, and have the agency to “choose” what is best for you.

Of course, if you start a project and realize that it is not what you thought it was and the project (or the people involved) are not truly aligned with your values and/or it is going to take up much more mental space, time, or energy than you have to give, it may be necessary to reevaluate your involvement. 

But if the core issue is related to your internal fears and doubts, then I hope these steps help you get going again. 

Ultimately, it is our attachment to outcomes that trigger most of our fears and doubts. So surrender the outcomes and thoughts about the future by being here, present in this moment. 

Trust that YOU ARE ENOUGH, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and everything will unfold as it needs to — one moment and one tiny step at a time.

You’ve got this!

Maliheh

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Taking On A New Project

Dear Friends,

Many changemakers I know are incredibly passionate, giving, generous, and selfless. They go above and beyond to help others, and sometimes to the detriment of their physical and mental health. There is nothing wrong with being a giver, but if it is costing your mental or physical health, it is costing you too much.

That is why I want to provide a quick guide to help you stay mindful of how you are devoting your time, energy, and creating the change you wish to see in the world.

I used to really struggle with this myself. I used to believe that if an opportunity comes across my path to give and serve, it must be meant for me to take on. I couldn’t stand letting people down and I really struggled with saying “No.” I kept pushing and overextending myself until my body forced me to face the reality that I’m not superhuman and that I need to learn to give to myself too!

It took a while for me to learn to give to myself without feeling guilty and every time I struggled to say “No,” I reminded myself that “I’m not saying ‘NO’ to them, I’m saying ‘YES’ to me!” (I learned this little nugget at a yoga retreat 10 years ago and it has been life-changing!)

You’ve got to be self-compassionate and remember that you are enough and you matter. You are not here to just serve and give and give. You deserve to give to yourself and serve in a way that brings you joy.

With that said, let’s get to the four questions you need to ask yourself when you are considering taking on a new project. Assuming that you have the luxury of choice and already know you would provide value, ask yourself the following questions to make sure that the project is right for you:

1. Do I have the time? This would normally be a no-brainer, but just so we are clear for all the lovely selfless givers here, the answer would only be “YES” if it will not cost you time away from your sleep, exercise, rest, self-care, loved ones, regular work activities, and other responsibilities and priorities. Otherwise, the answer is “NO.”

2. Do I have the mental space? Sometimes even if you have the time in terms of basic clock hours, you may be going through phases of personal and/or professional growth and transition, which could be taking up a lot of mental space. Please honor where you are in your life. If you feel that you don’t have the mental space and the prospect of adding this project to your life right now feels heavy and overwhelming, the answer is “NO.”

3. Is this project aligned with my values and the change I want to create in the world? You need to be mindful of how to use your time and mental space, and channel your valuable resources towards projects that help you make the impact you want to make. Even if you have the time and mental space, if the project and/or the individuals involved in the project don’t share your values and are not aligned with your passion and purpose, then the answer is a very clear “NO.”

4. Will it energize me? Some projects, no matter how amazing they sound, may drain the life out of you and make you feel a sense of dread, while others inspire your creativity to flow and you feel excited and energized just thinking about it. Trust that. Visualize how it will feel to be working on this project. If the project and/or the people involved with it drain your energy and you don’t feel like you will be making a sufficient impact, then the answer is “NO.” Projects are not always smooth sailing and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but you definitely need to feel energized about it going in. Sign up for projects that also give back to you! 

If the answer to any of the above questions is a “No”, you’ve got your answer: NO, this project is NOT right for you as it is.

If you are super passionate about the project, get curious and creative and see if there is room for negotiation. If it is possible to make the project more efficient, aligned, impactful, and energizing so you can get to “YES” on all of the above questions, and the negotiation process would not take up unnecessary time, mental space, and energy, then it could be worth exploring and negotiating. If not, then the answer is “NO” and this project is NOT right for you.

I know saying “NO” can feel uncomfortable sometimes, but if you really think about it, you can’t give an authentic “YES”, without being able to say “NO”.  Also, if you don’t say “NO” when you are supposed to, you’ll run the risk of overloading yourself and derailing your existing projects, commitments, and priorities. And remember, you can still be kind and compassionate in your delivery of “NO”, while being firm in your resolve to uphold your values and set boundaries to protect your time, mental space, and energy.

If you answered an enthusiastic “YES” to ALL of the above questions (either initially or after a brief negotiation), then it is a clear sign that you’ve likely got yourself a new project to dive into. However, even if you answered “YES” to all of the above, if something (or someone) about the project still doesn’t FEEL right to you, this is important data and it is worth taking a pause and meditating on it a bit more. Trust yourself and your inner knowing. Life decisions are not just about mental analysis, but our hearts, bodies, and souls too. Check in with all of you. If your mind, heart, body, and soul all come together to say “YES”, then go for it and enjoy the journey!

Ultimately, please remember that YOU MATTER and with every “Yes” and “No”, you are building and designing your life. You’ve got to value yourself enough to be intentional about creating a life that truly honors you, your values, your health, and your wellbeing.

I hope you found these reminders helpful and that energizing “YES” projects continue to find their way to you — it all starts with saying “YES” to you!

Maliheh

Insights, Inspiration, and Reminders to Support Your Journey

Dear friends,

I’m so excited to announce the launch of my bi-weekly letters! These are not going to be “newsletters” in the traditional sense.

They will be thoughtful letters from me to you as I share my reflections, impact insights, inspiration, and reminders to support your journey as you continue to thrive and make a positive impact in the world.

My clients often tell me that my emails and writings to them “feel like hugs.” I truly hope that my letters to you will also be a welcomed and comforting addition to your inbox and your life and help us stay connected in a more meaningful way.

Please feel free to send me your questions, challenges, and insights and I will do my best to address and incorporate them in future letters. You are also welcome to share the letters with colleagues, friends, and family members who you feel would appreciate receiving them.

I look forward to sending you my first letter on Thursday, February 10th.

In the meantime, stay safe and well, and keep on shining!

Warmly,

Maliheh

You can sign up to receive my letters via email here.