A Leader’s Guide to Providing Critical Feedback
Dear friends,
In a previous letter, I shared what every leader needs to determine before providing critical feedback that could be perceived as “negative”. If you haven’t read that already, please take a few minutes to go back and read that first (you can find it here).
Cultivating the ability to have difficult conversations is essential for developing a healthy workplace environment. That is why, in this letter, we get to the how of providing critical feedback so that it has a positive impact and promotes learning and growth. Obviously, so much of this depends on the specific contexts and this is meant to be a general guide for leaders and managers who may need to provide critical feedback to an individual employee about their work performance.
Now, very quickly, some of these go without saying, but here are some behaviors you definitely want to avoid:
DO NOT use humor - this can work for some people, but it can also backfire. It can be perceived as you making fun of the individual and/or their challenges. It would be best to avoid it in feedback-giving situations.
DO NOT call them out in front of others. Public shaming and embarrassment are not necessary.
DO NOT use inappropriate, disrespectful, foul, or hurtful language
DO NOT yell, scream, or raise your voice - if you are feeling angry or frustrated, go and privately calm yourself down first before attempting to talk to anyone.
DO NOT offer unsolicited feedback when it is not necessary to do so (check out my previous letter on this, here)
DO NOT spring unsolicited feedback on someone without laying the proper foundations
DO NOT make the feedback personal by criticizing them as a person, their personality, or their appearance
DO NOT assume that you have all the information and that you know everything
This is not meant to be an exhaustive list as unfortunately, so many people are traumatized every day by countless unhealthy and toxic behaviors at work. But you get the idea. The goal here is to promote a culture of respect, compassion, curiosity, learning, and growth.
Hopefully, you have already cultivated a culture of learning and growth, where everyone is valued and respected. That would be an ideal starting point. (I’ll write more about how to do this more in future bi-weekly letters. Make sure to subscribe to receive my letters in your inbox.)
Assuming an established growth-oriented and respectful culture as your starting point, here are the essential elements to making sure your valuable feedback and suggestions for improvement have a positive impact:
Check-in and get grounded with your intention. Why do you want to provide this critical feedback? What do you hope providing this feedback will achieve? Please be honest with yourself and catch yourself if you feel the urge to give feedback because you want to prove that you know more, or are superior, or are in control, or if you or your work feel threatened somehow. That’s ego-driven feedback, which never lands well. A great intention behind giving feedback is: To empower the recipient with necessary knowledge and support their success and wellbeing. Write out your intention clearly. For example, “My intention behind giving this feedback is that I want to support Susan’s work and make it easier for her to thrive in this company. This is out of my care and concern for her success and wellbeing.” Clearly stating your intention will help you get your mindset right and will set the tone for the entire conversation.
Clarify the objective feedback you want to provide. What have you observed about this person’s performance or behavior at work that is a cause for concern or an area for improvement? How can you state this without casting blame or judgment? You want to approach it from a place of curiosity. As with the intention, write it out first and make sure you are being as objective and factual as possible. For example: “Susan has missed three work deadlines this month” is an objective observation. But “Susan is not dedicated to her work because she’s missing work deadlines” is full of judgment, assumptions, and possibly bias. (We all have unconscious bias and it is important to be mindful of them.)
How will you offer support? In preparing for the conversation, it is important that you get very clear on what you are willing to do to support this individual besides providing feedback (e.g. how can you or the organization support them so they can improve in the area that you will be pointing out to them?). If you are already providing support, is there a way you could improve the support you are providing? Keep in mind that giving feedback is only the start. You need to be willing and ready to help them process and implement the feedback if they choose to.
Plan for prioritizing psychological safety and making it a conversation. Providing feedback should never be about you declaring your judgments and leaving the employee to process and figure everything out on their own. As an empathetic leader, who genuinely cares about this person and their success, you really need to approach this entire exercise as a conversation and create psychological safety for the recipient. The following insights will help you do that.
Make sure the individual is ready to receive your feedback. In fact, it is ideal if the recipient asks for your feedback directly and you are just following up on their request, or you have already developed a consistent practice of asking for feedback and providing feedback in your organization. If they haven’t asked for your feedback or they not expecting it, then please avoid springing unsolicited feedback onto their plate as much as possible. They may be dealing with a lot of other issues that you may be unaware of at the moment. Also, you need to provide your feedback at an appropriate time and space that places the recipient at ease so that they are more likely to hear you and process the feedback. So give them an opportunity to get mentally ready by reaching out first, but at the same time, don’t make it sound like a super scary event that they’ll be dreading. For example, you can say: “Hi Susan, I have some feedback that I believe you’ll find useful. What do you think about setting up a good time for us to discuss?” You are already partnering with them here and starting the conversation. Make sure to schedule enough time to allow for a conversation and some processing of the feedback. Also, hold the meeting in a safe space for the recipient (i.e. not in front of everyone else in the department).
Focus the conversation and the feedback on the person’s work, not the person. Research has shown that women are especially more likely to receive feedback that is personal and not constructive. This has to stop. It also significantly derails your efforts of building an inclusive workplace. That’s why I’m stressing the importance of making feedback, whether positive or negative, to be about the individual’s work and performance not about the individual. So instead of, “You are very kind and compassionate”, try “You work with others in a considerate and compassionate way.” Or instead of “You are very detail-oriented and thorough”, try “Your work is very thorough and detailed.” Focus on the work. Period.
Start the conversation by stating at least two SINCERE positive affirmations about THEIR WORK. Some argue that this strategy may come across as insincere and dilute the message you are trying to send. I disagree and the research backs me up on this. As I mentioned in my previous letter, neuroscience research has shown that criticism can provoke the brain’s “fight or flight” response and inhibit learning. Research has also shown that we grow most when we focus on our strengths. So this isn’t about sugar-coating or not telling the truth. The aim is to continue creating the foundations for psychological safety and help the recipient feel seen and appreciated and trust your intentions behind providing the feedback - so they know you are not just trying to be critical or difficult. This can help them be more receptive to learning and growing from your feedback. This is your chance to show them why you value their contributions and how they work. For example, you can say something like: “I see all the effort you put into [the work they are doing]. Your work is very [positive affirmation #1]. I also appreciate how you work with [positive affirmation #2].” Again, make sure your affirmations are truthful and you mean them, and make it about their work, not them as a person. (If you can’t think of two genuine positive affirmations, then you need to really sit with this and dig deeper. It could be a sign that either you are not seeing this employee’s contributions fully or perhaps the conversation needs to be about something else all together.)
Next, provide the critical feedback in an objective statement. This means focusing on what area of their work that objectively needs improvement and presenting the facts with care and from a place of curiosity. You’ve already prepared for this as noted in item #2. Following the two positive affirmations, you would simply add something like: “I’ve noticed that you missed three work deadlines this week.”
Next, utilize the power of “Tell me”. “TELL ME” are two of the most powerful words you could use to open the door for curious and meaningful conversation. For example, you can build up on the previous point by saying: “I’ve noticed that you missed three work deadlines this week. Tell me about what is going on.” Simply saying something like “What is going on?” can seem accusatory or elicit a simple response such as “Nothing” or “I promise it won’t happen again.” You want to learn and figure out how you can help them by inviting a non-threatening conversation and “tell me” will help you do that. (For more on the power of “tell me”, make sure to check out my podcast conversation with the world-renowned negotiator and author of Ask for More, Alexandra Carter)
Be a safe space for vulnerability and emotions. Release the urge to judge and show up with your full presence, open heart, and an open mind. If emotions come up (tears, sadness, disappointment), don’t shut them down. It may make you uncomfortable, but your discomfort is not more valuable than this individual’s emotions. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Remain calm and grounded, and hold space for the emotions. Validate their emotions (i.e. “It is okay to feel sad/frustrated/disappointed”). Give them the space to gather themself and ask them if they are okay and if they want to continue the conversation at another time. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be human. (For more on cultivating emotional agility, check out my podcast conversation with Harvard Medical School psychologist, Susan David.)
Really LISTEN and identify how you can support them better. A conversation involves listening and genuinely hearing the other person. Try mirroring back what you understood from what they shared to make sure that you accurately heard them. Ask clarifying questions and get their feedback on how you feel you can best provide the support that they need (not the support that you think they need). This may require a change in habits and some modifications in the way you run your team, business, or organization.
Help them think through how they can improve and what they need to feel supported through this period of growth. Again, this should be a conversation. Allow them to share and hear them. Do not assume that you are bringing up a problem or challenge that they are unaware of. Be open to the possibility that you don’t have all the information and you can learn something and you may not be fully aware of all the challenges this person is contending with. For example, if they are missing deadlines, it could be because they are distracted and/or drained by unexpected care responsibilities at home. Or maybe, they are being sent assignments last minute and without much clarity or direction. Stay open and curious, and help them think through what the obstacles may be, how they can overcome them, and what they need from you to feel supported as they do so.
Provide suggestions that are CONSTRUCTIVE, and are presented in a positive frame. “You can improve in this area by preparing for the tasks ahead of time.” This is much more effective than “not leaving things for the last minute.” The latter sounds judgmental and accusatory and could likely trigger the “fight” or “flight” or “freeze” response and get you heading in an unproductive direction. Focus the conversation on the positive behavior you want to see more of.
Decide on and document the next steps together. What will they work on? How will they do it? How will you support them through this process? When will you check in again? How will you check-in? What are the next steps for you? What are the next steps for them? Write it all down and share it to make sure you are in agreement and you both can track the trajectory of progress going forward. They should leave the conversation feeling that you are rooting for them to improve and are there to support them - not that you are waiting in the wings to catch them messing up. You don’t want to inspire fear. You want to inspire faith, hope, and genuine care, and partnership. Let them know that you are here to support them and they should feel free to see you as a resource and a guide. Keep the doors of communication open. They should feel safe to follow up with you and come to you if they run into any hurdles.
I know this may seem like a lot to keep in mind, but if you start with the right intentions and the right approach and framing that creates psychological safety, you should be just fine. If you ever get stuck, a good guiding question is:
“What is the compassionate thing to do/say right now?”
Please feel free to share this letter with your organization and colleagues and I truly hope these insights help you turn the “negative” feedback and difficult conversations you have with your team members into opportunities for positive impact, learning, and growth.
See you all again in September!
Best wishes to you,
Maliheh