Why You Need to Allow Anger

My dear friends,

I know you may be a little surprised by the topic of today’s letter, but I invite you to get curious and stay with me as this is possibly the most important Thrive Letter thus far.

As women, many of us are conditioned to prioritize making others comfortable, which often leads us to denying our own emotional needs and experiences.

And if we actually allow ourselves to engage with our emotions, the socially acceptable emotions for women are typically limited to “positive” emotions such as happiness, gratitude, and excitement, and at times, sadness and grief.

Unfortunately, many of us are programmed out of ever allowing ourselves to feel anger, just like many men are programmed out of allowing themselves to feel sadness. Neither of which is healthy.

Anger is meant to be experienced by all human beings and it brings with it crucial data necessary for our wellbeing and thriving. (For more on this, check out my podcast with Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, Dr. Susan David).

We are meant to process anger to know when to set boundaries, protect ourselves, and stand up for others. Getting angry is sometimes the most loving thing that we can do. (For more on this, tune into my conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive).

But do you know what happens if we don’t let ourselves feel anger?

We stay stuck. We stay stuck in relationships, workplaces, environments, and systems that are abusive, unjust, and unhealthy.

In fact, a few days ago, I spoke to a woman who for 30 years had endured a marriage that was filled with unimaginable betrayal, infidelity, and financial, physical, and emotional abuse. She felt incredibly sad for herself and her situation, but never thought about leaving. When I asked her if she ever felt angry, she said “No”.

Given what I knew about her and her upbringing, I explained to her that this was likely because she didn’t even know that feeling angry was an option. If she were to feel her anger, she would not have been able to stay in the marriage for so long. This also meant that she wouldn’t be able to conform to her family’s idea of a “devoted wife”, which she was programmed to believe was what made her and her life worthwhile.

She couldn’t believe that she didn’t see any of this before and wished she had left thirty years ago…

Sadly, many women are programmed to endure and cope, not to challenge and demand change, which requires some level of healthy anger.

We are often robbed of the space, opportunity, and capacity to connect with our anger and this works to support the persistence of the unhealthy systems and abuses in our world. (For more on this, please read “The Womenifesto”).

So the next time you see what society calls an “angry woman”, I hope you recognize the pain, the power, and the courage it has taken for her to show up in this way.

Imagine if instead of judging or shaming her for breaking social norms for how a woman is expected to present herself, we huddled around her, held her, and heard her.

And imagine if women everywhere allowed themselves to feel angry about what is happening to our environment and the horrific traumas being inflicted upon countless human beings in these ongoing wars.

There is a transformative power to women’s collective anger, and it is time that we awaken it and channel it, not only to save ourselves from unhealthy relationships, workplaces, and systems, but to save our planet and humanity.

And for those who believe that feeling anger is not spiritual, I invite you to explore how you might be using spiritual bypass to avoid the painful emotions that might challenge you to step out of your comfort zone.

We are powerful women leaders and we have the capacity to feel our anger AND express it in peaceful and productive ways.

We can feel angry, while still being compassionate.

We can be loud, while still being respectful of others.

And we can be firm, while still being loving and kind.

May we FINALLY give ourselves (and each other) the permission and the space to connect with our anger,

And may we use its powerful energy to advocate for the health, safety, and thriving of all.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope and pray that these words reach every woman around the world…

With love and gratitude,

Maliheh